Letters to a Friend - Sirius/Remus (RS Games Entry)
Title: Letters to a Friend
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual conversation topics and some minor language
Summary: A series of letters written by Sirius as he attempts to move forward with his life.
Wordcount: ~8,900
Author's Note: From RS Games - Non-magical AU. Thanks Brighty18 and Aunty Marion for tackling the beta work of this project. It was a different direction for me and I hadn't expected it. I think it worked out a lot better than I had hoped.
*waves flag * Go Team Post Hogwarts! XD







May 16th, ----

Dear Regulus,

So I'm in London now. I don't know what possessed me to move here. I suppose it was something in the air. It just said that it was time and so I headed out and away from my drab home, with the drab job, and the few people that I knew. I don't have a job yet, but you know me. I've got enough to manage for at least a few weeks. I don't know what I want to do now that I'm here. The possibilities are endless. Maybe I'll just become a hermit who doesn't leave the house.

I probably couldn't really be a hermit. I like people too much. I've been walking through the area and I sat in a café, just watching the people go by for a while. The food was all right. It's just a small family restaurant. I think I'll go there more often. There are a lot of people that are always going by.

There was a little girl who was prancing around the place. She had cute, bouncy, red curls and had one of those little pinwheels. She kept giggling and laughing, running faster and faster to make it spin. There wasn't a whole lot of room and she bumped into a few people as she did so, but that obvious cuteness and her bright smile seemed to kill any protests before they were made.

I had been watching her when she seemed to get tired and she decided to sit down, in my booth. She took a few deep breaths and gave me a smile.

"Hi. My name is Rose," she said. "What's your name?"

"Sirius."

"See-ree-us," she said slowly, as if she was trying to figure out what it meant.

"I'm named after a star," I said, trying to be helpful.

"I'm named after a pretty flower," Rose said. She giggled a bit, kicking her feet under the table. She hit the table a few times and it made my coffee cup shake. "Why are you sitting here by yourself? Are you waiting for someone?"

"I don't know anyone here," I said, with a shrug. "I just moved here."

"You know me now," the girl said with a smile.

"I guess I do," I said. Somehow it did make me feel better, though it shouldn't have. I'm a grown man and she was a small child. That's even worse than a real life Lolita.

We probably would have continued to talk if it weren't for the man that came up to the table then. "There you are, Rose," he said. He looked as if he had been about to have some sort of panic attack. He was a bit pale and I hoped that he didn't have too much of a scare. "I thought I told you not to leave the table."

I thought he was probably Rose's grandfather, by the grey that was starting to show in his hair. He had a young face despite that. Rose pouted when he came though.

"I made a new friend," Rose said. "His name is See-ree-us."

"Sirius is just fine," I said, hoping that my name wouldn't always sound like a long series of "e" sounds when she said it in the future.

"I hope she wasn't too much of a bother for you. Rose is a very friendly young lady," her grandfather said, picking Rose up off the seat. She giggled and kicked at the air briefly before wrapping her arms around his neck. "It was nice of you to entertain her though."

I hadn't really done anything at all, but I shrugged. "I didn't mind. She wasn't any trouble or anything," I said.

"Tell your friend thank you and good-bye, Rose," the man said. He glanced over at the owner of the café for a moment. The woman gave the man a big smile and he let out a deep breath. He must have been worried about a stranger coming up to me, but I guess smile is the universal sign for "he's pretty much harmless".

Rose waved her little kid wave. It was the kind with the floppy hand that hung limply off its wrist, all flapping limbs and no grace. "Good-bye See-ree-us. I'll come visit you again soon."

I couldn't help but smile and wave back. "Bye."

Just like that Rose was heading to the front counter with her grandfather. He paid their bill and they were gone. Rose waved one more time through the front window as she headed off with her grandfather.

I doubt I'll ever see Rose again, but she did make me smile. It was sort of like meeting a new friend for the first time. You think that there are all of these endless possibilities. Where do you think you'll end up in five days, weeks, months? And how will this person affect those choices? She's only a little girl though, probably no more than five years old. I can't expect much from that.

I left after that and despite my doubts, I still whistled my way home.



May 21st, ----

Dear Regulus,

I think I'll be getting a new job at a local garage. It's nothing permanent, but it looks like they need an extra pair of hands to deal with this five car pile-up that suddenly came in their door. It's good enough for me. It will be hard work, but the pay is good and I won't have to worry about taking too much out of my savings to cover necessities.

I've got everything unpacked and still the flat looks empty. I didn't realize that this flat is bigger than my last one. Or maybe it's not, but I just don't have enough to fill it. There's one lonely recliner and the television stand with the old black and white. I should replace the television with a newer one, but I honestly haven't watched it in years. I think I keep it there in case someone comes over. They would think there's something wrong with me if I didn't have one.

One of my new neighbors is the motherly-type, Mrs. Bennett. She made me a dozen muffins and then promised to bake me a cake. I didn't want to tell her that I could have lived without the cake. It didn't seem very polite. I can't eat a cake all on my own though. I suppose I'll just take it with me to the garage. There are enough guys there that I probably won't even get a slice.

Mrs. Bennett also seems to enjoy gossiping. She pulled me into her flat and stuffed me full of fresh scones and tea, all while telling me everything that she knew about the neighbors around us. She also gave me a detailed run down of all of the single women within a ten minute walk of her home. I suppose she's going to be a bit heart broken when I finally come out to her. Either that or she's going to try to set me up with every gay male within the city.

I saw the man from the other day again, Rose's grandfather. He was in the park with a group of children. They couldn't have been much older than seven or eight. They were all seated in a circle, looking up at him with these rapt expressions on their faces. He talked with his hands and a bright smile. He looked so excited that I couldn't help but move closer to their group.

I sat down on a bench close enough that I could watch and listen to what he had to say. He was talking about cause and effect and how people can change the environment. It seemed like such a big subject for a group of young students, but they seemed to understand the concept of extinction, and I barely remembered when we started talking about it when I was in school.

I don't remember everything that he said, specifically, but I couldn't leave. Once he started, his enthusiasm seemed to pull me in. It's easy to forget how much we've changed the world around us, simply by expanding our hold over the world. We're always more concerned with having enough space to live and ensuring that we're able to go every day with what we think that we need. It's easy to forget that there are hundreds of creatures, plants and animals that are trying to live here with us.

He didn't stay there long with the children. It seemed that they were on their way to a museum and lunch. He had the children stand up after a few minutes and they headed to a large restaurant at the edge of the park. The children called him "Professor Lupin" and seemed eager to follow him.

There were a few parents with them, but I hadn't realized that they were there. They were talking amongst themselves and didn't seem interested in what he was trying to teach the children. I couldn't quite understand that. Do people stop caring about school lessons as soon as they leave school? How could you stop learning about something so important? You understand, don't you?



May 24, ----

Dear Regulus,

I have made a terrible mistake about Lupin, and I feel rather stupid about it. I know I said that he must be Rose's grandfather because of all of the grey in his hair. Well, he's actually Rose's godfather, and he's only a year older than me. I was surprised that he looked as old as he did, but Lupin explained that graying early was in his family.

I should probably start at the beginning of the story. I was walking home after work when I decided to go to the café for dinner. I had been about to take a booth by the window when Lupin saw me and waved me over to him. I really hadn't been expecting him, much less that he would want to speak to me, but I headed over to his table.

"Hello, I hope you don't think that I'm being too forward, but I saw you listening in on my class the other day," Lupin began.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," I said.

"That's all right really. I don't often have an adult audience for one of my lectures," Lupin said with a bright smile.

He smiled a bit like you do. It reaches his eyes and he looks excited and happy all at once. For a moment, I almost thought he would start bouncing in his seat like a kid that had had too much sugar.

"I noticed that the parents with you weren't particularly interested," I said. I couldn't help the brief shake of my head and the roll of my eyes.

"Grown-ups tend to ignore the things that we learned in school," Lupin said, grinning a bit.

My mouth twitched into a smile. I was surprised that he had been thinking what I had that day. "I...had been thinking that myself," I said after a moment.

"With the big rush to grow up and become adults, we tend to forget all of the wonderful things we knew when we were children," Lupin said.

Regulus, it was strange. Here's this man that I've never met and he's spouting all of the things that are often in my head. It was like meeting a kindred spirit and I was happy. I sat down at the table and listened to him talk about his classes and anything that seemed to come to mind. I didn't speak as much as he did, but it was nice to just listen. Since I've been in London, I haven't exactly been very social.

He told me about himself. Rose is his godchild, the second for his close friends. He's a teacher at the local primary school. He didn't say it, but I can tell he's popular with his students. Lupin said that he's got a wall in his office with dozens of pictures that he was given by his students and former students.

He kept talking as I ate my dinner and we asked for more coffee (for me) and tea (for him). Time had moved so quickly that we were being ushered out of the café by the servers who were trying to close up for the night. At least they didn't seem to be rude about it.

He gave me his number and asked if I would be interested in dinner again another night. I guess this means that he enjoyed himself as much as I did. I was a bit reluctant to agree right away. You know me, I like to play hard to get. In the end though, I said that I would call him as soon as I got my phone put in. I didn't want to give him a maybe. I was afraid that if I said maybe that I wouldn't get to see him again.

I guess this means that I've made a friend. You always said that people seem to fall over me. In this case though, I think it was the other way around.



May 27, ----

Dear Regulus,

I'll be finished doing the temporary work at the garage tomorrow. It's a shame that I won't be working there any longer. Though the owner put in a good word for me with another mechanic and I should be starting there soon. It certainly feels good to be able to live off a paycheck instead of my savings.

Lupin invited me to dinner yesterday. Well, it was dinner at his house, but it was rather nice. He cooked a roast, which was surprising. I don't really know any men that either enjoy or are actually good at cooking. I always assumed that we just missed a gene or something that would have helped with that. Or maybe it was only given to girls. Lupin said that it was a ridiculously sexist comment for me to make, which I couldn't really blame him for.

We settled in his living room with the remainder of the bottle of wine and Lupin plied me with questions about myself. It hardly seemed as if I had much to share, at least compared to him. Lupin was a teacher with dozens of stories about students and mishaps. I'm just a guy with a fondness for motorcycles.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Lupin had told me. He took a sip of his wine and seemed thoughtful for a moment. "You aren't a part of a secret military operation, are you?"

"What?" I asked, staring at him. I probably looked like a bug with my eyes popping out in surprise.

Lupin laughed. "Well, you're awfully secretive. I just wanted to check before I asked you out again."

Just like that. He was going to ask me out again. I was so flabbergasted, that I honestly don't know what I managed to say or do. I think I told him that I wasn't. At least I hoped that I did. I was really suave--stuttering and probably blushing like a school girl. I don't know where all of my charm and wit went, but I knew that I needed to get it back quickly before he thought I was some sort of idiot.

"What's your secret life? Do you double as a Chippendale on the side?" I asked.

Lupin spit out his wine at that, and I grinned. That was more like it. Lupin shot me a look and arched a brow. "Who in the world would want to see me in a racy show like that?"

I looked him over briefly. He was wearing a loose jumper and a matching pair of khakis. "I don't see why you wouldn't be a popular one. Unless you wear the loose clothing to cover up the beer belly you're hoping I don't notice," I said.

"Beer belly? Aren't you ruthless," Lupin said, a hint of a grin tugging at his lips. "I'll have you know that I keep myself in good shape."

"Then what wouldn't you want to show off?" I asked.

Lupin pulled up the sleeve of his jumper, revealing a series of scars. "Generally this is rather off putting."

I couldn't help but lean closer to get a better look. Scars are generally not part of modern views of perfection, but they were interesting to look at. They seemed very old by the near silvery look to them against his pale skin. "What happened?"

"I was in a car accident when I was a kid," Lupin said with a shrug. "Jaws of life and everything. It was a head on collision and I was in the passenger seat. It banged me up a bit, but in the end I just had some broken bones and all of these scars. Not the most fun that I've had, but I worked through it and there's nothing much wrong with me now, just a bit of stiffness in the winter."

Thinking about it, made me think about the time you fell out of the tree when you were eight. You had a scar on your arm and we told everyone that it was a sign that you were the coolest person in the school. I guess this means that Lupin is cooler than you.

"And it's...all over?" I asked. I had to ask, call it morbid curiosity. Why else would he not want to be a stripper?

Lupin tugged his sleeve back into place and nodded. "Like I said, generally off putting."

"Hardly," I said, still looking at his arm, even if it was covered now. I kept thinking that those scars would be like a badge of honor. Like saying fuck you to Death.

Lupin leaned closer to me. The movement surprised me and I looked up at his face once again. He was smiling at me, which was definitely a good look on him. His eyes brightened and he looked younger.

"Thank you, Sirius," he said softly and then he kissed me.

He sat closer after that and it was nice. We turned away from the bantering and he started to tell me new stories about his students and their mishaps. The evening slipped by quickly, and I barely even noticed it. I left late, but got one more kiss before I left.



June 2, ----

Dear Regulus,

I got in with a new garage. This one looks like it'll be more temporary work, but I was talking with a gent about doing some motorcycle customization. He said he might have a place for me in this new garage he's trying to open up. Now there's something that I could easily settle into. I suppose that it was a good thing after all that I came to London.

I was told yesterday that I should just buy stock in the café that I've been going to. Rosmerta, the rather buxom owner, said that with the number of times that I've come in that I would be better off being a part owner. It's not my fault I can't cook to save my soul. If I wanted burnt food then I wouldn't go there, but at least the food is good and it's comfortable enough.

I was just leaving last night when I saw Rose coming in holding the hand of a rather pretty woman. Rose smiled and pointed at me. "See-ree-us!" she exclaimed before letting go of her hand and coming over to see me.

"Hey, kiddo," I said, looking down at Rose.

"You're still all by yourself," Rose said.

I nodded. "Today I am. I'm making friends so you shouldn't have to worry about me."

"Are you friends with Mummy?" Rose asked, looking back at the woman she brought with her. It wasn't hard to assume that this was who Rose was referring to.

"Not yet, but maybe some day," I said, trying not to laugh.

"Are you friends with Daddy?"

"Nope."

"Hawwy?" That name didn't ring a bell, but he must have been someone in the family.

"Don't think so," I said.

"Unkie Ree?" Rose asked.

"Actually...I think so," I said. Officially that's what we were. Since we had dinner, the both of us had been too busy to be able to arrange a time when our schedules would allow us to meet. Lupin talked on the phone with me for a few minutes every day, which was something to look forward to.

Rose let out a long "ooo" and rushed over to her mother. "Mummy! Unkie Ree's friend See-ree-us."

Mummy laughed at her daughter and I couldn't stop the laughter any longer. She came over to me and held out a hand. "I take it you know Rose's uncle," she said. "I'm Lily Potter."

"Sirius Black," I said, accepting her hand and giving it a light shake.

"Remus mentioned you the other day. He said that you were very patient with Rose," Mrs Potter said.

I just shrugged and smiled. "She's a cute kid."

"I'm cute, Mummy! Does dat means See-ree-us will marry me? Daddy says you're cute and you're married to Daddy," Rose asked.

"You'll need to be a bit taller for that," I told Rose.

Rose gave me a rather ugly looking pout. "I'm always too little." She even stamped her foot for emphasis.

"I'd try to explain anticipation, but that might be a bit too much for you," I said, smirking down at her.

Rose just stuck her tongue out at me. Mrs Potter laughed at her daughter's antics and picked her up. "Don't look so upset, love. You'll be slaying him before you know it," she promised.

"See-ree-us is a dragon?" Rose asked, looking between us in confusion.

She still didn't quite get it by the end of it all, but at least I had a good story to tell Remus when it was finished.



June 16, ----

Dear Regulus,

You would be surprised how easy it was for me to lose track of time. I did get the job at the bike garage and I couldn't be happier. I haven't been home very much because of it. Adler, the owner, wanted a good start up bike to display for advertising and whatnot. I thought it was a good idea, but when we started to pass on ideas about what we should do the bike was suddenly becoming a monstrous beast. I've been working all day long to get that beauty to sparkle and shine with power that could bring a man to his knees.

The owner has been very generous. I'm hoping that I'll finally be able to get a bike again within a few months. I'll probably just get a junker and clean it up. It'll be good to have my own transportation and not have to rely on walking or the bus.

I took Remus out for our next date. Considering I had been so busy lately I was hoping to make up for the fact that we haven't talked very much. Something told me that he had been expecting me to take him to a fancy restaurant and spend ridiculous amounts of money that I didn't have. He had been dressed rather nice when I showed up at his flat on one of the bikes that Adler let me borrow. He sputtered briefly and asked me to wait for him inside.

This wasn't obviously the first time that I'd been inside Remus's flat, but I suppose that it was the first time that I appreciated it. A home can tell you a lot about a person. My flat would show anyone that I'm a terribly lazy slob. There's clothing every where, old take away boxes are starting to give the flat a faint smell of mouldy food, but I'm almost never there. I just sleep a few hours and rush back out to the garage anyway. I should probably clean it up. I would be too embarrassed to take anyone there. Yes, especially Remus.

Remus's flat, which was the actual point of this discussion, is neat but lived in. There aren't random items thrown everywhere and it's obvious that he tends to prefer being able to see his floor. There's a lot of stuff there though. Remus had traveled quite a bit before he settled down to teach. He has knick-knacks and other items that might not seem like common souvenirs, but are perfect chronicles of his travels.

There's one that I'm particularly fond of. He had been to Egypt and took a tour of several archaeological digs. A friend of a friend was working at the digs and showed him things that few people were allowed to see. He had a stone that had crumbled off the wall of one the pyramids and it sat on his bookshelf. It looked like a mess, dark and there were often a few specks of dirt and stone sitting under it until the next time he started to clean. Despite its age and decrepit appearance, it was like looking at a piece of history. You couldn't help but think that there were so many hands that had touched it. That stone could have been touched by Kings or just their slaves. The blood, sweat and tears of hundreds have graced the stone and the world just ignores what it holds because it's only an ugly stone.

Remus came out of his room in record time, and had put aside the stuffy dress shirt and trousers, for a comfortable pair of jeans and a sweater. I couldn't help but smile. Next time I was obviously going to have to be more specific when I say I'm going to take him some place special. Special has always been a secret place in my opinion, but I'm sure that after this he'll have a better idea of what's special to me.

On the bike the trip to my secret location was about an hour, and boy, was it a painfully long hour. Remus wasn't exactly prepared for my kind of driving and clung to me desperately the whole way. His flinching and squirming was distracting. By the end of it I was glad that I was wearing a helmet. He didn't seem to notice that I kept it on for a few moments longer than necessary while I let the blush cool from my face.

I took us a good distance away from the city. We couldn't avoid all civilization, but there was a decent sized park that was empty after dark and we lay out on a blanket and talked over some badly made sandwiches that I brought. I promise they weren't mouldy. I got them from a deli that just slopped things onto bread, though they looked as if they'd been sat on by the big guy that owned the place. It was a last minute decision when I realized that I hadn't planned enough ahead to bring food.

I had a few moments where I glanced over at him and thought that I should just have sex with him. It would be fantastic, but maybe only for me. If he wasn't ready for that then he certainly wouldn't enjoy himself, but I knew that a part of me was practically crawling on the walls for it. Remus wasn't interested in a quick lay and if he thought that I was it would probably put a damper on things.

I blame the bike ride in, but even now a day later I can't help but think about how good it would be to lie with him and watch him come completely undone under me or vice versa.

What seemed to put to rest my internal argument was when he reached out and slipped his hand in mine. My hand felt more at home in that moment than I could ever remember it feeling. A bit of the tension simmered just under the surface, but it was easier to concentrate on him talking about the stars and the mythologies of constellations without the strong desire to fuck him into the ground. It was like I was being handed some sort of cosmic answer to my life. I'll get what I want and I'll get him too. That was enough.

Though, I did still have a really good wank once I was home in the shower.



June 18, ----

Dear Regulus,

I realize my last letter was rather crude, and I'll do my best to refrain in the future. Or I could just tell you about my latest sexcapade with a brunette, two blondes, and a red head.

Okay, as great as that fantasy might be, even I couldn't pull that off in just two days.

Today was an interesting day however. I had finished up the paint job on the Beast for the garage and was going to let Adler give his approval on everything that I was doing. He was eager to see it, but I didn't end up going with him right away. It seemed that I had a phone call.

"Sirius?" It was Remus. I had told him where I worked, but I never imagined that he would call me there. I immediately expected the worst. He could have waited until I was off if it wasn't important.

"Hey. Is something the matter?" I asked.

"Well, I was hoping to catch you before you started to put in some overtime. I wanted to invite you to dinner," Remus said.

"I just finished up the paint job on the Beast, so I haven't started anything. I'm sure I can get off as soon as Adler finishes telling me how wonderful I am," I said, grinning and feeling like I had all the right in the world to be arrogant. I had already brought in most of the business to the place.

"Wonderful. I'm just the messenger though. The invitation for dinner came from Rose," Remus said.

"Rose?" I sputtered, completely not expecting that.

"Yeah. Her mum said that you were very good with her and said that I should invite you over sometime, and Rose decided that a request wasn't good enough. She demanded it," Remus said with a chuckle.

Somehow this dinner suddenly had the feeling of the ultimate in relationship crushing events. Meeting Remus's friends felt far too much like meeting his parents.

Remus, technically speaking, has no parents to meet at this point. His mum died of cancer a few years back, and his dad had been in an accident when he was still at school. Actually it was the same accident that Remus said he had gotten his collection of scars. Remus's friends were the closest thing to family that he had left. Meeting them would either cause everything to suddenly shrivel up like a bucket of ice water over their heads, or would

Honestly, I didn't know what would happen. And what was worse, I didn't know how to get out of going. Somehow I managed to say yes and got the time to meet at Remus's place. I had to promise not to bring the bike (I don't know why he didn't like it) and promised to go home, shower, and change before going. I wanted to put my foot down right there and go as I was, but Remus sounded really excited. Like this was going to be a good thing and wasn't the end of the world like I was suddenly fearing it was.

I tried to remind myself that it hadn't been more than three days ago that I was thinking that I would have the two parts of the whole that I needed. I'd get the sex and I'd get an interesting person who talked with his hands, loved teaching small children, and could read more voraciously than any other person I had ever met. It seemed like an all around good deal, and just because I was meeting his parents friends, didn't mean that I was going to lose that.

Somehow I managed to get out of work and home without killing myself. I was a ball full of nerves and perspiration by the time I arrived at Remus's flat. Remus took one look at me and ushered me inside.

"You're worried about this?" Remus said, putting a glass of whiskey into my hand. I knew that Remus didn't drink anything but the occasional glass of wine, but since we had met he seemed to have some on hand for when I came over.

"Why should I be?" I said trying, in vain, to brush aside the concern.

"These are just my friends," Remus said.

"They're your family," I blurted out. Good one Black. Good one. I can see you hitting yourself in the forehead.

"Oh..." Remus sat back on the sofa and looked at me for a moment. "Do you think I'm trying to test you?"

"No," I said. I didn't really think that he did. Remus was too honest and direct to do something like that. "But they will."

Remus shook his head, but a bit of a grin tugged at the corner of his lips. "Well, if I give you the answer to the test before you go in, will that make you feel better?"

I hadn't really been expecting that, so I just nodded dumbly.

"All you have to do is pull a prank on James that he would never expect," Remus said, grinning fully now.

"A prank?" I asked. That had to be the most juvenile thing I've ever heard.

"James is a bit...childish at times, but he just likes to have fun. He and I have been having a great prank war since we were in school together. Right now, I've been trying to figure out a way to get back at him for the score of Playgirls he left in my school briefcase. I think it'll work great if you're the one to take him completely by surprise. The more ridiculous, the better it will be," Remus said with a nod.

"He put Playgirls in your brief case?"

"I had to hand it to him, though he did say that he had Lily buy them for him. I'm just lucky that there weren't any students near me when I opened my briefcase," Remus said, shaking his head.

I'll have to admit that by this point I was interested, probably more than interested. I had an idea that was going to work wonderfully. We would have to make a quick stop on the way to the Potters, but once Remus heard about what I intended to do he was more than happy to take the side trip.

Having met Mrs Potter already, the dinner seemed to have gone a bit easier. I was introduced to her older son and husband (though he was really more like a big kid and not an adult). James was certainly fun, despite his rather childish antics. James was a big football fan and we got into a heated debate about who was likely to be going for the Cup this year. Harry was eight years old, and had this love for birds, planes, and anything else capable of flying. He spent most of the evening zooming around the house with all of the loud sound effects to go with it.

Rose was very excited that she could show me her room. She said that we were going to have tea and thankfully Remus saved me before she was able to force me to sit at the child sized table.

Dinner was fantastic, but I suppose the best part was enjoying the reaction James had to my prank. James's car was always parked right outside the front door. It was just black without a lot of flash. Now, however, it has a lot of flash. While Remus was distracting James from my absence I was able to collect a few briefs from the bedroom and decorated the car. With underwear garland and flags, the truck looked almost festive. I'd have to say that the final (and most ridiculous touch) was that I wrote "Tighty-Whitey-Mobile" with one of those car window pens on the back window.

Lily and James walked us to the door when it was time to leave. James turned a series of reds and purples before turning to Remus. Remus held up his hands and sputtered that he couldn't have done it, he was with James the entire time. James turned his murderous gaze my way.

I just grinned and said, "That's what you get for putting Playgirls in Remus's briefcase."

He was surprised, but suddenly burst out laughing. Everyone was laughing by this point and it seemed that I had indeed passed the test.



July 1, ----

I've been busy lately. Between all of the work I'm doing at the garage and then spending more time with Remus, it's been really good. We've gone out for dinner a few more times and he took me to an art gallery that he was fond of last weekend. I'm not one for art really, but it was a good chance to enjoy listening to Remus talk about the art and some art history. It made me realize that I should probably start reading more if I'm going to be able to keep up with all of Remus's endless amounts of information.

We had dinner at the Potters again last week. James is obviously up to something to try to get me back for covering his car with his underwear. I'm trying to make sure that I don't give away any possible weakness. The less he knows about me the less likely he is to find some way to embarrass me.

Remus asked me something surprising yesterday and I didn't know how to respond properly. He said it in passing, I think, trying to sound as if it was a joke or something not to be taken seriously.

We were standing in the doorway and I was trying to kiss him goodbye. Remus is very easy to kiss. He's a good kisser. He's very good about knowing just what to do to get me to push him against the door frame and kiss him until he can't stand on his own. A simple peck seems to turn into a blazing fire if he sighs just right and runs his hands through my hair.

I pulled away after a moment and smiled down at him. "I've got to get going," I said.

"I'm starting to think that you must be allergic to my fabric softener," Remus said.

"What?" Maybe my head was still spinning from the after that kiss, but I didn't quite follow where he had been going at that moment.

"Well, why else won't you stay the night here?" Remus asked.

All I could do was sputter a bit. I tried to say something sensible, but nothing seemed to come out. Remus just grinned and we kissed one last time before I left. He made it look like a joke. He even laughed a little. That's not something you joke about though. I was embarrassed with myself. I should have been staying there. Shouldn't I?



July 7, ----

Dear Regulus,

I haven't seen Remus once in the last week. After what he said that day, I feel terrible. I'm just stringing him along if I won't go all the way. It's not even like I don't want to, but I haven't. I didn't plan on this happening and I certainly didn't plan on getting so close. But now that I am, I wonder how I can manage to fix this.

I don't know if I want to fix it. You would laugh at me if you could see me now.

I remember when things were a lot easier. You and I had each other and to hell with the rest. It didn't matter that there were a few years between us. Sure I had friends at school, but when it came down to it, you were always my best friend.

Our parents didn't like my hair. They didn't like my clothing. They didn't like the music I listened to. They didn't like that I rode a motorcycle. They thought that I was hanging out with the wrong kind of people. Dad hated the fact that I refused to take over the family business. Everything that was expected of me, I tossed out the window, just like they finally tossed me out of their lives.

I know Dad's still running the company and trying to ignore the fact that he can't pass it onto you anymore. He won't pass it onto any of his nieces because God forbid a woman run the company. Andy would probably be a good choice really, but she'll never have the chance. Dad wouldn't even consider giving it to one of their husbands. They married well, but Dad hates them all. I think he just hates everyone. That means that he's just stuck and he's bitter that he has to pass on the family company to someone that isn't our family.

This would be much easier for me if you were here. You could always defuse me when I teetered on the edge of being too much. You were a bit frivolous and silly at times, but you were good at taking care of me. No matter what happened in our lives we could always rely on one another. I was always grateful for that, even if I didn't tell you enough.

Ever since you died

That's not exactly how I want to think of you. I've been writing to you for the last three years. A part of you is still here. Death is just too much of a permanent thing. You're still listening to me and shaking your head at my stupidity. You're still proud of the things that I can accomplish and you're still my little brother.

I don't want to let go of that. I can't lose that. It's all that I have left.



July 8, ----

Regulus,

Remus hasn't stopped calling me all day. I called in sick. I've been sick and I just can't get out of bed. When does this get better?



July 10, ----

I don't feel sick anymore. Remus took care of me.



July 11, ----

Dear Regulus,

It wasn't easy to break down in front of someone. I suppose that when you can't help it any more there isn't anything else to do. I've been hiding from everyone for years now and it was time that I finally put it all behind me. I haven't been happy and I've been lost. This was the first time that I've been pulled out of that rut in a long time.

Remus tried to tell me that sometimes we put ourselves in a position because we feel guilty. I think he was right. I didn't want to accept that Remus and his friends were willing to take me in, willing to go so far as to count me as family. It seemed as if I did that then I would be betraying you. You are my family. You put up with me and stuck by me no matter what our parents said about me. I took care of you when you were down.

When you died three years ago, I thought I had lost everything. In a way I had. But that doesn't mean that I need to stay this way forever. You wouldn't expect me to. I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure this out.

Remus finally had enough of calling me and receiving no response. He showed up at my job and when he couldn't find me there, he tried my house. He looked ragged and as if he hadn't been sleeping lately.

I didn't know what to do when I found him at my door. I hadn't exactly planned on the possibility of Remus showing up at my house. I didn't even react properly enough to slam the door in his face and hide back under my bed.

Of course, I didn't do anything of the sort!

Remus looked at me while I was still too stunned to react and then came into my flat. He shut the door behind him and quickly began the process of clearing out the huge mess (it really was a lot worse than it had been the last time I mentioned it) in my flat. Somehow I snapped out of my daze and joined in to get rid of the mess. I didn't want him to think that I would want him in my house as a housekeeper. He didn't have to do anything, but I didn't know what to say to him that wouldn't sound completely idiotic or insensitive.

Once everything was cleaned up, he headed into the kitchen and made tea. I followed behind him and sat at the table. I could actually see the table now that we had cleared away the mess. Remus put a cup of tea in front of me and sat down beside me.

"You've been hiding here since you left my house. I need you to tell me what I did wrong," Remus said. He shook his head. "No...I think you need to tell me what's wrong with you."

I opened my mouth to speak, but there wasn't any sound. I tried a few more times before I gave up and drank some of the tea. It was nearly scalding, but I realized that I could use that for the excuse of why my eyes were starting to water.

I don't want to give out all of the gory details. I'll just say that it was two hours later when I finished telling him about you and our parents and how all of a sudden I was afraid to get close because getting close was the same as getting hurt. I told him that I was afraid to lose you from my life, even though you've already been gone for the last three years. I cried like a baby and I don't want to relive that anytime soon.

Remus held me and stroked my hair as I talked and cried on his shoulder. He was quiet and gave me reassuring smiles when I needed them. When I finally grew quiet, Remus looked down at me and brushed his lips across the top of my head.

"You've had a long life, Sirius," Remus said. "You don't have to let go of the happiness and love that you had in your past in order to keep moving on. You can have both."

I looked up at Remus not expecting him to say that. Everyone that I had come across that knew about you had always told me to move on. I tried to, but I still love you and love isn't cheap enough to toss out of the window. No one had ever told me that I could have both.

Remus nodded. "You've got a big heart, Sirius. There's room in there for everyone. And when you think you're about to pop, just add on a new wing and move all of the new people there."

Smile. That's what I did. I smiled and I hugged Remus tightly. I could handle that. I'd add in a couple new wings.

You're wing is still the nicest, but Remus's is pretty nice, too. He couldn't handle the expensive materials and furniture. He's happier in homey conditions and I find that I need that, too.

~*~*~*~*~

Epilogue

It was a pretty spring day when they got off the bus, all blue skies and birds chirping. He reached for Sirius's hand and they walked together the short distance to the cemetery. Sirius knew where they were going, so Remus let him lead the way. He stopped before a gravestone and looked at the other stones around it.

"One of these days, I'm going to come here and see my parents. I don't know if anyone would tell me when it happens," Sirius said, mostly to himself.

Remus pushed Sirius forward before he could become too caught up in his unhappiness. It never failed to anger Remus that any parents could treat their child in such a manner. Sirius was easily distracted and he moved on to his brother's grave easily.

Sirius folded himself to sit in front of the stone, laughing a bit about how he used to sit on his brother when they were younger. Sirius could be a big kid at times, but Remus knew that it was his way of holding onto his happiness. Things were happier for him when he was young. So if he never got old then he never had to be unhappy. He was moving past that and Remus knew that in a short while Sirius would be happy and old at the same time.

"So today's the big day," Sirius said. "I'm sure you're perfectly happy wherever you are. I brought Remus today. I thought it would be all right. You would've liked him and James probably. He finally got back at me for the underwear on the car bit. He talked one of the guys at work into painting my new bike. I came out of work one day and it was pink with lace and all of these frilly things on it. Ugh...it was horrible!"

Remus snickered a bit and Sirius shot him a sharp look. "Well, I'm planning my revenge. I'll get him really good," he insisted.

Remus couldn't help but smiling at that. As long as James and Sirius directed their attention at one another then the rest of the world was safe. Not to mention, Remus had been rather impressed by the underwear prank.

Sirius chattered on for a short while, telling Regulus about how he had moved in with Remus and how happy he was. Remus hadn't told him, but James and Lily hadn't been completely happy with Sirius moving in so soon, after Remus explained to them what happened. James was worried that Sirius was unstable and would lose what little hold on himself that he had. Lily didn't think that making Sirius dependent on Remus would do either of them good.

Remus hadn't been so quick to think that. After Sirius had finally given all of the details of what was holding him back, there hadn't been any reason for Remus to worry. Sirius wasn't an invalid. He was just afraid to make that next step. Now that Sirius had, it was only a matter of time before he was comfortable in his own skin.

Sirius had surprised all of James and Lily. He moved himself comfortably into Remus's life and home, leaving messes in his wake, but loving (without depending on) Remus more than anyone had expected. Sirius stood on his own and actually started to associate with people from work. He had a growing circle of friends and he was always volunteering to watch the kids for James and Lily. The Sirius that stood with Remus now was like a glowing sun, happy and full of energy. People flocked to him and Sirius wanted to be able to give back ten times more than he was given.

As often as Sirius said that he was lucky to have Remus in his life, Remus felt that it was the other way around. He didn't talk about it often, but the more time went by, the lonelier he had been getting. There weren't many people interested in a quiet teacher who'd had his share of clubs and dancing a long time ago.

Sirius had brought colour to his otherwise dull life. There were surprises around every corner. With Sirius, Remus was always guessing what was coming up and every time he thought he had figured it out, Sirius did something completely different. They had fun and they were very happy with each other.

"Remus?" Sirius asked, waving a hand in front of him.

Remus jumped back. "Oh...I'm sorry...woolgathering again," he said, with a sheepish smile.

Sirius slipped his arm around Remus's waist and looked back at the gravestone for a moment. "I'm done. So we can go home," he said.

Remus dug into his pocket for a piece of paper. "I brought this for him. I thought he would appreciate it," he said, before offering it to Sirius.

Sirius scanned the paper quick and smiled. "You make it sound like I had a crush on my brother," he said. He laughed and turned back to the gravestone. "I know what you're trying to say at least. He would have liked the sentiment." He left the paper with the flowers that he had brought and turned back to Remus.

"Care to get some lunch? No sense in rushing back immediately," Remus said. "I've never been here before so I want to see what it's like first."

"I grew up in this town. There's not much to see," Sirius said, but pulled Remus along with him anyway.

The paper that they left behind held four lines of poetry. It had been hard to find just the right words to say, and while they were far from perfect, the sentiment was still there. Remus knew that he cared a great deal for his brother and love comes in all shapes and colours.

"How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face" (W.B. Yeats)